#12

As much as I am not a small town girl, and as much as I hate waking up early, there are a few perks to my job here in Stillwater.
One being that I constantly have access to INSANELY good deals, the other that I get to meet so many cool people.
Seriously, although the ratio of rednecks to seriously awesome customers is about 25:1 (or something like that), my regular customers really do make my job bearable. And they make me like the small town feeling that you can't avoid once you enter this town. I know their names, and they know mine. They tell me about their families, and their days, and where they have come from, and everything else you could possibly think of. I wish they could meet the other regular customers, because I think we would all be friends if they all shopped at the same time every single day.

Here's just a smidgen of the awesomeness that is the Stillwater Goodwill regular customers:
1. Marian -- We first got to be friends when we found out that his 3 daughters had names eerily similar to my sisters' and my names. Ever since then, I've pretty much wanted him to be my real life grandpa. He's told me war stories, educated me about buying stocks, and just swapped anecdotes with me. Today, he waited in line behind a customer just to chat for a second before he left. Not to buy anything, but just to see how I was doing, and what I thought about life at the moment. Definitely a favorite.
2. Marcia -- What to say about this lady. She is so fun! Sometimes she comes in twice a day. I've never seen her in a bad mood, and she always has something funny to say while she's shopping. I love how she makes fun of things for being stuff that old people would like, when she's not exactly the youngest herself. I want to be like this lady when I get older... especially after seeing some of our other older customers who are probably the sourest people I've ever seen.
3. Carolyn -- Not like any of them would be reading this, but to all of the OSU Chi-Os, get to know your cleaning lady. This lady comes in almost every day, buying stuff for her kids or grandkids. She's quirky and, just like Marcia, is never in a bad mood. It's always fun to swap stories with her while she shops.

So yah, those are just a few of our regular customers. We also have Mack, who is pretty much Stillwater's own Morgan Freeman, and Susan, who will be moving back to Louisiana after the end of the year, and Maunette, who is always a super sweetheart, and Brenda, who I just met, because she just moved here from Tennessee. We have other regulars whose names I don't know yet, but that's not to say that someday I won't learn them. With time I hope to get to know more of them!

Oh, and to the lady who NEVER EVER smiles, SOMEDAY I swear I will make you smile!

#11

Alright. Today's post is full of randomness. So get ready.

Topic #1: Goodwill Happenings, 11/23/10.
The first interesting thing that happened today at work was incredibly awkward. A man asked if we sold baby bed frames, and after I said that we didn't have any in, he said, "I really like your eyes. Can I take a picture of them?" I just sat there for a second not knowing how to respond. I kind of laughed and was like, "I guess..." but then he just left. Strange. I took it as a compliment though, I mean, even the opinion of a crazy customer counts, right?

The second interesting thing was an old woman who I rang up at the register. She rang up as $2.99.

Okay just kidding. She was checking out, and I noticed a colorful flower tattoo going all the way around her wrist. Now, this wasn't some old redneck-looking lady like a lot of our customers, and this wasn't an old hippie, or anything. She could be your typical, sweet, fluffy grandma who bakes you pies when you come to visit and knits potholders for you (at least that's what my grammy does). And she had a tattoo. Not one that she had hiding underneath her granny panties, but one fully on display. I told her I liked it, and it turns out she got it with a bunch of friends when she was kind of tipsy back when they were all hula dancers in Hawaii. She said she still really liked it, and it still looked fabulous.

Read between the lines there.

Topic #2: Christmas Music.
Usually I refuse to listen to any sort of Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. I broke down tonight and downloaded about a million and a half Christmas songs onto my iTunes after I found the new Glee Christmas music. Now I have the entire Glee Christmas album, as well as almost all of Hanson's "Snowed In" album (yes, the one that came out when I was 6 years old. I remember carrying around my battery powered boombox at my homeschool group and blasting "Merry Christmas Baby" to get attention while we all made snowglobes out of empty baby food jars, water, glitter, and glue.), Mariah Carey's new Christmas song (not as good as the first, but still quite excellent), old bubblegum Christmas songs from *NSYNC and Britney Spears, and of course the good old stuff, like Karen Carpenter and Bing Crosby. Speaking of Karen Carpenter, I still love her version of "Merry Christmas Darling" more than just about anything. Lea Michele covered it for the Glee Christmas album, and as much as I've liked Lea's songs in the past, I really just kind of winced when I heard her sing that song. Nobody holds a candle to Karen Carpenter when it comes to that song. Okay. Christmas song rant over.

Topic #3: Direction.
So, in case you just randomly have stumbled upon this blog and have no idea who I am, I've moved around a little more than the average person these days. A year ago, I lived in Norman. After 4 months in Norman, I moved to Tulsa and lived with my dad. Then I lived with my mom for a few weeks. Then I moved here to Stillwater. I'm not really planning on staying here once my lease is up next August. Anyhow, the point is that I have moved around a lot, and I'm not really tied down to any one place at the moment. Some would find this to be a blessing, and in some ways it is, but these days it's felt more like a curse. It's hard to find direction. Do I stay in Stillwater longer than this year? Do I get a spa job here? Do I move back to Tulsa next year? Do I move back sooner and just keep helping pay rent in Stillwater? Do I move out of state? Who will I live with next year? How will I pay for a house? This is seriously just a smidgen of the questions that have been running through my head. Nobody told me when I was in high school that growing up means that questions like this become a problem. I just figured then that everything would be black and white, yes or no, so clear cut. But it just isn't.

I.
Have.
No.
Idea.
What.
I.
Am.
Doing.
With.
My.
Life.

Yes, I have my esthetician's license, and I will use it to get an esthetics job. But those questions above are what's bothering me. What should be liberating, all of this decision making for myself, feels like such a curse. This is so weird. I've always been one to make my own decision, do things my own way. But right now I can't even figure out what my own way is.

The only comfort I have right now is something I overheard at church in Tulsa on Sunday. A woman at my church was discussing with some people we both know the subject of moving, and having a hard time adjusting to a new location and not feeling at home. She mentioned that she took comfort in knowing that no matter how comfortable she might have felt in her old home, or how lonely she felt in her new home, no home on this earth is permanent. The reason why we cannot feel totally at home in a place, whether it be a new home or a new city or a new state or a new school, is that we are not made to stay there forever. I wish she knew how much that little statement she made really helped me. I mean, it didn't make everything okay, but I keep thinking about it, and knowing that Heaven is where I am meant to be permanently, rather than somewhere on this planet, really helped identify why I never feel satisfied with the places I move to.

Okay. I need to go to bed. Karen Carpenter's voice is making me sleepy.

#10

I think it might be the weather, but I'm not really sure.
I'm feeling lonely, and scared. Pensive, also. I guess that's why I feel like writing right now. I usually write when I think too much.
I'm lonely because I have this weird thing where I'm starting to feel the sting of being single. There's always an up, and there's always a down. The up is being able to make my own decisions and not give a damn about whether or not someone else approves. The down is not having someone to grow with. The intimacy of knowing somebody so well, being able to share everything with them, knowing that I am loved despite my flaws (and there are so many of them).
I don't know why I get this way, when I get lonely. I know that I enjoy being single. I like to go out to a party and do things my own way, I like to dress up for myself and no one else, I like to be selfish like that. Being young is about being selfish as far as love goes, right? I don't know. Maybe it's not. But that's how I am and to be frank, that's how I like it. But then again, sometimes I don't like it. I don't know how liking it and not liking it can coincide with each other but whatever.
I'm scared because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. That whole "I'm-getting-close-to-the-time-where-I-am-supposed-to-(I'm supposed to, right?)-get-a-career-and-pay-a-shitload-of-bills-and-be-responsible-and-all-that-jazz" thing has really hit me lately. It's completely up to me whether or not I stay in Stillwater after my lease is up in this piece of shit rent house I live in. I make the decision, do I live in Stillwater another year? Do I move to a different town? A different state? I could move far far away. I could move back to Jenks. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea who I am going to hang out with, or meet, or anything like that. I could move to a totally random city and start completely fresh. Something about that sounds so appealing, even though doing that would mean going through the whole moving-to-a-new-town depression that I always seem to encounter whenever I move. Three times it has happened, who's to say it won't happen a fourth time? But it could be worth it, maybe. I don't know.
I need direction.

#9

Random thoughts in the middle of the night:

1. Being single is a love/hate sort of thing. I love not being told what to do, or how to do things, or having to make decisions based on trying to appease somebody else. I love being able to go to a party and not worry about who is going to say "you shouldn't do that" or "you should do that" or "don't dance with anyone else" or anything like that. I get to do things for me, and I love that, as selfish as that sounds. I'm just now starting to really embrace singleness, although it's still sort of a weird feeling for me to really get into it. I sometimes feel guilty when I'm excited about being single, and I'm not sure why. I know that totally contradicts what I said earlier but whatever. I can't explain it.

2. I can't wait until my lease is up so I can live somewhere without mold.

3. Although I am not and will not ever be a hipster, I've come to appreciate the hipster lifestyle a little bit more ever since moving to Stillwater. It's nice to see people embracing a different way of life than the conventional lifestyle, even if that makes them all exactly like each other (as much as they might hate me for saying that). I'm still going to laugh 98% of the time if someone is wearing glasses when they don't actually need them, and I'm still probably going to hate their music, but whatever. I find it amusing.

4. Being "musically educated" does not mean that you listen to a shitload of bands that nobody knows about. Nor should the opposite be equated with listening to all Top 40. The term "musically educated" is based merely on opinion. I've come across too many people who tell me I should be "musically educated," and it bugs the hell out of me (sorry to those people, you know I still love you). I like my music, and I will let you like yours as long as I don't get crap for mine. I listen to rap, rock, Broadway, Christian, pop, old music, new music, classical, opera, choral, you name it. My iTunes ranges from Lil Wayne to Angela Gheorghiu to The Avett Brothers to the Backstreet Boys to Buddy Holly. To be completely honest, if the term "musically educated" was even a set standard, wouldn't embracing more than one or two genres of underground music be more educated? Just saying.

5. I am so itchy to get my next tattoo. Ahhh I want it RIGHT NOW.

6. As much as I wanted to really get into the whole RUF scene on campus at OSU, I have come to the honest realization that it's not really my scene. I like some of the people, and I will continue to go, but when I moved to Stillwater, I wanted so desperately to be part of the RUF here, and I wanted all of my new best friends to be a part of it. It's part of why I felt so lonely at first, because I was looking for friends in a place where I don't 100% click with everyone. There are a few people at OSU RUF who I do really like, they are really nice, but other than those few, it's just not my thing. I realized the other day that my niche doesn't have to be RUF, and there's nothing wrong with that. I've found my friends in other places. I've found a peace in this realization, because now I don't feel like I am failing at making friends here.

7. No more thoughts to spit out at the moment. Goodnight to whoever reads this silly thing.

#8

Today wasn't a bad day or anything, but at one point I almost burst into tears.

I'm not usually a random crier, in fact, I almost never cry.

But I called my dad to ask about a money situation and I realized mid-conversation that I wouldn't have called otherwise.

I haven't even bothered to call my own dad these days, and I wouldn't have cared to had it not been for the fact that I was keeping up with him paying off my student loans.

It made me so sad to realize that I think more about my credit score than my own dad.

What. the. hell.

#7

I wish I knew what to write right now...

I have one of those feelings where I know I should be writing something profound, but I can't think of what it is. There's something nagging in the back of my mind. Hmmm... I'll just write what I'm thinking and maybe something interesting will get written in the process.

Anyhow. For a quick update on my life, I shall inform you all (whoever you all may be) that I am now working full-time at the Goodwill here in Stillwater. This means that I get to open most mornings, which also means that I go to bed on time these days. Midnight feels incredibly late to me now. It's kind of like how 35 mph feels fast to me now (last weekend when I came home to Tulsa, it honestly felt kind of scary at first, going 65+ on the highway). Working at Goodwill also means that I get to meet 95% of the 60 yr+ population of Stillwater. Or something like that. LOTS of old people come into our store. Gotta love it. Except when they go wayyyy slowly, or when they can't ever hear what you are saying.

Here's a little snippet of awesomeness to brighten your day:
www.dirpy.com
My friend told me about that website, and I feel pretty confident in saying that it will make your life (if you don't feel too bad about stealing music). Pretty much, you find a song you like on YouTube, copy and paste the link into the page, and it turns it into an mp3 file that you can add to your iTunes library. Recently I've been using it to add old boy band songs to my iTunes, and also one of Russell Brand's standup routines. And yes, I still listen to old boy band music. Who doesn't love that stuff? Oh, yes, a lot of people. But I really don't care.

I am 2 months into my 6 month boy break. 33% done with my vow of singlehood (singledom? singleness? singlehood? being single.). After that, I'll most likely just be single without the oath haha... From time to time I find myself really missing my last boyfriend... Not the idea of being with someone, or with him, or anything, just missing him as someone I can talk to. Every now and again I will see something that reminds me of him and it makes me sad that we don't talk anymore. I wish the end of relationships didn't have to mean total separation, but for some reason I almost always get that end of the deal.

Blahblahblahblahblahblah. I can't think of anything more to write.

I can't decide if I should get something to eat or not.

I should go back to bed. (I went to bed at 7 and woke up about an hour ago. Yah, I'm cool.)

I've already got ideas for my next tattoo. I'm thinking of a flapper design for my inner left forearm. If I ever tone up my arms, I want an art nouveau design on my shoulder. Also want a tree design on my side. This whole getting drawn on thing is pretty awesome. Just saying. You only live once.

Okay. Can't think of anything else. Goodnight.

#6

I remember a long time ago when an old friend of mine said that she always noticed that God continually blessed her in every single situation when she thought she was going to be stuck in a hard place. Obviously God is continually pouring out blessings on us, but not always in ways that we can see or understand (or both). Take, for instance, me, senior year of high school, running late on a project or a paper. I do nothing to deserve getting a deadline extended, but it happens. Always when I need it (I'm not kidding... it was always when I procrastinated/slacked off/didn't study that deadlines got extended or tests got canceled or grades got rounded up on an amazing curve).

Anyway, I say this to say that God has worked in ways like that a LOT in my life, and although I don't recognize His goodness every time that He does something like that for me, I do see it a lot. And these past few days have included a few instances where I have been given a way out of hard and stressful situations, not by working my way out of them, but by the grace of God alone.

Example #1:
I am bad with money. I'm working on saving to pay back the debts I owe (never fun), but for the past month I either a) got my paycheck LOST in the mail or b) got it late. Two days ago, I was missing half a month's worth of pay. Just lovely. I was silently freaking out, because rent is due soon, and my account was headed towards zero. But get this! My late paycheck came, and my paycheck from last week's pay got sent EARLY! Coincidence? I think not. Now I have enough to pay rent and save more to pay back my debts. I KNOW this was a blessing from God.

Example #2:
For the past week or so, I've really been trying to break out of my shell more and talk to people. I have prayed, and I know that others have prayed that I am able to reach out more than stand in the corner by myself. I've really been feeling a difference just within a week! It's so exciting! I don't just wait for people to come up to me now...something has changed that makes it feel okay to approach others rather than stand awkwardly by myself. I know I didn't do this myself. This is God's work.

Also, one last thing. I've been finding it a lot easier to explain my faith better to people who need to hear. And it's exciting, it really is. I'm not embarrassed right now to tell others about why I am different and how I want to be different.

I am so hoping that this passion for Christ stays with me, and I don't lose my focus. I want others to see how I am not the same. I also need to be able to see God's grace and blessings more in times other than when He gives me what I want. Pray for others, yourself, and me that we all can see God's blessings ALL the time.

#5

Life's gotten better.

I got a full-time job, am going to quit my part-time job, and for some reason today at church I was so much more comfortable with just talking to people! I get so nervous before social gatherings because I'm afraid that I'm not going to know anyone and I will have no one to talk to, but today I could really really tell that God lifted the barrier of just me being awkward... I felt more comfortable, less awkward, more like a part of the crowd. It felt good to be able to just talk with people my age and not feel like an outsider.

I actually had real conversations... and one of my friends from high school randomly showed up to my church too! I hadn't seen her in so long, so it was good to see her. God knows what to provide for me, and today He showed Himself through the atmosphere and friends at church.

I'm starting to like Stillwater more.

#4

After my last breakup at the beginning of August, I swore to my good friend that I would take a 6 month break from dating.

Approximately 1 1/2 months down, 4 1/2 left to go. (not like I'm keeping track or anything...)

At first I wasn't so sure, even though it is my self-proclaimed "off season"... The only times I've dated people have been between about the months of Feb/March to June/July/August(ish). So even though according to my track record, I'm safe and off the hook, I was still worried that for some reason, I might find myself in a situation where I'm just really wanting to get out of the oath I took.

And so far, I've been okay! No passionate yearnings, or serious wishing that I wasn't being held accountable to stay single. I'm surviving! Even though every now and again I think it would be awful nice to have someone to go out with, I stop and remember... this so-called "boy break" is giving me the time to focus on what I should be focusing on, and learning more about God and myself and how I should be living, rather than which guy I should be trying to live for instead.

It's giving me an opportunity to make my own decisions and realize more of what I am made to do, realize what I want and need, and realize just who exactly I should turn to when times get tough and lonely... a guy isn't going to solve those problems.

And thanks to last week's RUF, I really got to focus on the fact that yes, GOD took me out of my last relationship not to bring me into sadness, but to call me to Himself! I mean, it does still make me sad, because I was very close with my last boyfriend and was able to tell him anything, but he wasn't the one, and God knew that before we even happened. And He brought me out and away from that to show Himself to me... my vision was clouded over, and God provided a way out and the concept of the "boy break" so that I can grow closer to Him.

Thank you God for your love shown to me in so many ways!

#3

I feel like I just might never learn how to achieve the perfect balance of love and impassivity when resolving an issue.

To show love but also stand up for myself, not be a doormat. Is that even what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to be more loving to the point that I am a doormat? Not necessarily manipulated but just incredibly passive.

I've never been passive. I've always been hot tempered, I always want justice in the end.

But justice as a Christian might require some passivity. I don't think I really like that, but I think it's the truth. I don't really know, actually, I'm just taking a stab at it.

This is making my brain hurt.

#2

I am a nerd. An esthetics nerd.

You probably don't even know what esthetics is, unless I've told you. Most people can't even say it right.

Esthetics is the branch of spa and salon services that includes skin care, waxing, body treatments, and makeup. It's what I do. Sort of. It's what I went to school to do. And someday, hopefully in the near future, I will venture out of working retail and settle into a good job as an esthetician (I'm still licensed now even though I don't work in a spa... and I'm still going to work on the waxing business thingy).

Anyhow. I went to Walmart tonight by myself around midnight, which probably wasn't the safest thing to do, but whatever. I went. And I found myself gravitating towards the skin care aisle. It used to be that I could wander through the makeup aisles for forever, and I guess I could still do that now, but what really fascinates me now is the skin care aisle.

I wish I could try just about every product, every cleanser (gel cleansers, clay cleansers, foaming cleansers, anti-aging cleansers, acne-fighting cleansers), every toner/splash/astringent, every moisturizer, serum, eye cream, mask, sunscreen, scrub, EVERYTHING.

But, alas, I cannot. Not only does my budget not allow it, but my skin doesn't either. Anything too oily or too drying will drive my skin CRAZY.

BUT.

I found a face wash with bromelain in it. A mild, 100% natural face wash, filled with good stuff. Do you know how exciting it is to find bromelain in a Walmart face wash? Um, it's pretty much Christmas. You probably don't even know what bromelain is. It's pineapple enzyme, and it's super super good for your skin.

And there's more. The same line has an oil-free moisturizer with sodium PCA and hyaluronic acid in it! That stuff's super super good for your skin too.

If you're reading this and not an esthetician, you probably just think I am a total dork. But seriously, it's exciting.

Not only is this stuff super amazing for your skin, but it's not expensive, AND it smells AMAZING.

All I have to say is, it better freaking work.

#1

So I'm new in town.

Again.

And everyone keeps asking me if I like it here. It's kind of difficult to explain it quickly, especially in a group of friends, because whenever people ask you questions like that, they subconsciously expect a certain answer (and I do this too). It's just like when you walk into a store, and someone asks you "Hi, how are you doing?" It doesn't matter if you've just won the lottery or if your grandpa just died, the expected response is "Fine, how are you?" People are so used to answering this way. It kind of bothers me, actually, that people absentmindedly respond in such a way that blankets their real emotions. In a lot of situations, though, I feel like I have to answer that way, or people will think I'm just being a drama queen desperate for attention or for people to feel sorry for me. I just think people should be more honest about how they actually are doing.

Anyway. Back to what I was saying. People ask me several times a week how I'm liking Stillwater. So instead of continuing to search desperately for words when asked that question only to come up with some awkward, halfway response, I'm just going to write this out.

I've lived here in Stillwater for 3 weeks now. I automatically had a job when I started here, but thanks to someone up top in the company, payroll at my store got cut, and those 28-35 hours a week I was promised got shot down to 15. Not good for the paycheck or for keeping me busy. Work is good when I'm there, I do enjoy it, but it's not enough right now. I have attempted to start a waxing business, but it's going reeeeally slowly. Like, slower than slow. The loan I was so generously given is not enough to cover my start up costs, and I don't want to borrow any more money, so I am having to wait until I have more of my own money to get that going in full swing. Which will take a while, considering I have to pay that loan back, AND I owe money to other people as well. Needless to say, I need a second job. I have been looking for one, but it's difficult to actually get one.

A second job would mean 2 things for me: more money (which is badly needed), and less time doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it might seem like I am just a bum hanging out at my house doing absolutely nothing all of the time, but it's a little hard to find stuff to do to fill all of my time when I don't go to class, don't have homework, don't have to go to work 90% of the week, don't have a gazillion close friends who have as much free time as I do, and don't have the money to spend all that extra time at Aspen or Walmart or traveling to Norman or Tulsa or SOMETHING.

The extra time sucks. It makes me feel incredibly lonely, having absolutely nothing to do, and most of the time spending that time by myself.

So, you might say, I should get out and meet more people. Thankfully, I do know some people here in town. I have met some incredibly friendly people, and I'm glad that I know them now. What's difficult for me is that I am not the kind of person who is satisfied with acquaintances. I want friends, real friends who I am so comfortable with that I can tell them all of my deepest secrets, and who know they can come to me if they need someone to talk to. I know I can't expect to make new best friends within such a short period of time, but still, it's hard. It's hard because I would so much rather hang out with my best friend in Fayetteville, or some of my best friends who are still in Tulsa, or my siblings in Tulsa and Norman, and I still really hate that I lost one of my best friends about a month ago. Maybe someone here will end up being one of those best friends, but until that happens, I feel lonely.

And even though I'm an incredibly outgoing person once I've gotten comfortable with people, it's the getting comfortable part that's so difficult. I've been going to a great Bible study for the past few weeks, but honestly, I don't enjoy going. Not because the teaching isn't good, but because I know absolutely nobody. The girls there all seem very nice, don't get me wrong. But they don't reach out. I think maybe two people the entire time I've gone there have actually out-of-the-blue introduced themselves to me and asked me my name. Everyone else knows each other. And when I'm in a situation like that, I'm about as cool as a new kid on the first day of middle school. I shell up. I can't be myself. And it really, really sucks.

For some reason, whenever I move to a new place, I always feel disconnected in some way to the new community around me. It happened in Norman, and it's happening again here. It's not as bad as Norman, but it's still not good. Stillwater, I'm sure will continue to grow on me. There are some things about the town that I really like, and some people who are warm and welcoming, and some fun I've had since moving here.

It's just that everything on top of everything on top of every single little thing has made it not quite as enjoyable as I hoped it would be. Hopefully, and yes, I am holding out hope, it will be different as time continues.