#10

I think it might be the weather, but I'm not really sure.
I'm feeling lonely, and scared. Pensive, also. I guess that's why I feel like writing right now. I usually write when I think too much.
I'm lonely because I have this weird thing where I'm starting to feel the sting of being single. There's always an up, and there's always a down. The up is being able to make my own decisions and not give a damn about whether or not someone else approves. The down is not having someone to grow with. The intimacy of knowing somebody so well, being able to share everything with them, knowing that I am loved despite my flaws (and there are so many of them).
I don't know why I get this way, when I get lonely. I know that I enjoy being single. I like to go out to a party and do things my own way, I like to dress up for myself and no one else, I like to be selfish like that. Being young is about being selfish as far as love goes, right? I don't know. Maybe it's not. But that's how I am and to be frank, that's how I like it. But then again, sometimes I don't like it. I don't know how liking it and not liking it can coincide with each other but whatever.
I'm scared because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. That whole "I'm-getting-close-to-the-time-where-I-am-supposed-to-(I'm supposed to, right?)-get-a-career-and-pay-a-shitload-of-bills-and-be-responsible-and-all-that-jazz" thing has really hit me lately. It's completely up to me whether or not I stay in Stillwater after my lease is up in this piece of shit rent house I live in. I make the decision, do I live in Stillwater another year? Do I move to a different town? A different state? I could move far far away. I could move back to Jenks. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea who I am going to hang out with, or meet, or anything like that. I could move to a totally random city and start completely fresh. Something about that sounds so appealing, even though doing that would mean going through the whole moving-to-a-new-town depression that I always seem to encounter whenever I move. Three times it has happened, who's to say it won't happen a fourth time? But it could be worth it, maybe. I don't know.
I need direction.