#1

So I'm new in town.

Again.

And everyone keeps asking me if I like it here. It's kind of difficult to explain it quickly, especially in a group of friends, because whenever people ask you questions like that, they subconsciously expect a certain answer (and I do this too). It's just like when you walk into a store, and someone asks you "Hi, how are you doing?" It doesn't matter if you've just won the lottery or if your grandpa just died, the expected response is "Fine, how are you?" People are so used to answering this way. It kind of bothers me, actually, that people absentmindedly respond in such a way that blankets their real emotions. In a lot of situations, though, I feel like I have to answer that way, or people will think I'm just being a drama queen desperate for attention or for people to feel sorry for me. I just think people should be more honest about how they actually are doing.

Anyway. Back to what I was saying. People ask me several times a week how I'm liking Stillwater. So instead of continuing to search desperately for words when asked that question only to come up with some awkward, halfway response, I'm just going to write this out.

I've lived here in Stillwater for 3 weeks now. I automatically had a job when I started here, but thanks to someone up top in the company, payroll at my store got cut, and those 28-35 hours a week I was promised got shot down to 15. Not good for the paycheck or for keeping me busy. Work is good when I'm there, I do enjoy it, but it's not enough right now. I have attempted to start a waxing business, but it's going reeeeally slowly. Like, slower than slow. The loan I was so generously given is not enough to cover my start up costs, and I don't want to borrow any more money, so I am having to wait until I have more of my own money to get that going in full swing. Which will take a while, considering I have to pay that loan back, AND I owe money to other people as well. Needless to say, I need a second job. I have been looking for one, but it's difficult to actually get one.

A second job would mean 2 things for me: more money (which is badly needed), and less time doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it might seem like I am just a bum hanging out at my house doing absolutely nothing all of the time, but it's a little hard to find stuff to do to fill all of my time when I don't go to class, don't have homework, don't have to go to work 90% of the week, don't have a gazillion close friends who have as much free time as I do, and don't have the money to spend all that extra time at Aspen or Walmart or traveling to Norman or Tulsa or SOMETHING.

The extra time sucks. It makes me feel incredibly lonely, having absolutely nothing to do, and most of the time spending that time by myself.

So, you might say, I should get out and meet more people. Thankfully, I do know some people here in town. I have met some incredibly friendly people, and I'm glad that I know them now. What's difficult for me is that I am not the kind of person who is satisfied with acquaintances. I want friends, real friends who I am so comfortable with that I can tell them all of my deepest secrets, and who know they can come to me if they need someone to talk to. I know I can't expect to make new best friends within such a short period of time, but still, it's hard. It's hard because I would so much rather hang out with my best friend in Fayetteville, or some of my best friends who are still in Tulsa, or my siblings in Tulsa and Norman, and I still really hate that I lost one of my best friends about a month ago. Maybe someone here will end up being one of those best friends, but until that happens, I feel lonely.

And even though I'm an incredibly outgoing person once I've gotten comfortable with people, it's the getting comfortable part that's so difficult. I've been going to a great Bible study for the past few weeks, but honestly, I don't enjoy going. Not because the teaching isn't good, but because I know absolutely nobody. The girls there all seem very nice, don't get me wrong. But they don't reach out. I think maybe two people the entire time I've gone there have actually out-of-the-blue introduced themselves to me and asked me my name. Everyone else knows each other. And when I'm in a situation like that, I'm about as cool as a new kid on the first day of middle school. I shell up. I can't be myself. And it really, really sucks.

For some reason, whenever I move to a new place, I always feel disconnected in some way to the new community around me. It happened in Norman, and it's happening again here. It's not as bad as Norman, but it's still not good. Stillwater, I'm sure will continue to grow on me. There are some things about the town that I really like, and some people who are warm and welcoming, and some fun I've had since moving here.

It's just that everything on top of everything on top of every single little thing has made it not quite as enjoyable as I hoped it would be. Hopefully, and yes, I am holding out hope, it will be different as time continues.