#6

I remember a long time ago when an old friend of mine said that she always noticed that God continually blessed her in every single situation when she thought she was going to be stuck in a hard place. Obviously God is continually pouring out blessings on us, but not always in ways that we can see or understand (or both). Take, for instance, me, senior year of high school, running late on a project or a paper. I do nothing to deserve getting a deadline extended, but it happens. Always when I need it (I'm not kidding... it was always when I procrastinated/slacked off/didn't study that deadlines got extended or tests got canceled or grades got rounded up on an amazing curve).

Anyway, I say this to say that God has worked in ways like that a LOT in my life, and although I don't recognize His goodness every time that He does something like that for me, I do see it a lot. And these past few days have included a few instances where I have been given a way out of hard and stressful situations, not by working my way out of them, but by the grace of God alone.

Example #1:
I am bad with money. I'm working on saving to pay back the debts I owe (never fun), but for the past month I either a) got my paycheck LOST in the mail or b) got it late. Two days ago, I was missing half a month's worth of pay. Just lovely. I was silently freaking out, because rent is due soon, and my account was headed towards zero. But get this! My late paycheck came, and my paycheck from last week's pay got sent EARLY! Coincidence? I think not. Now I have enough to pay rent and save more to pay back my debts. I KNOW this was a blessing from God.

Example #2:
For the past week or so, I've really been trying to break out of my shell more and talk to people. I have prayed, and I know that others have prayed that I am able to reach out more than stand in the corner by myself. I've really been feeling a difference just within a week! It's so exciting! I don't just wait for people to come up to me now...something has changed that makes it feel okay to approach others rather than stand awkwardly by myself. I know I didn't do this myself. This is God's work.

Also, one last thing. I've been finding it a lot easier to explain my faith better to people who need to hear. And it's exciting, it really is. I'm not embarrassed right now to tell others about why I am different and how I want to be different.

I am so hoping that this passion for Christ stays with me, and I don't lose my focus. I want others to see how I am not the same. I also need to be able to see God's grace and blessings more in times other than when He gives me what I want. Pray for others, yourself, and me that we all can see God's blessings ALL the time.

#5

Life's gotten better.

I got a full-time job, am going to quit my part-time job, and for some reason today at church I was so much more comfortable with just talking to people! I get so nervous before social gatherings because I'm afraid that I'm not going to know anyone and I will have no one to talk to, but today I could really really tell that God lifted the barrier of just me being awkward... I felt more comfortable, less awkward, more like a part of the crowd. It felt good to be able to just talk with people my age and not feel like an outsider.

I actually had real conversations... and one of my friends from high school randomly showed up to my church too! I hadn't seen her in so long, so it was good to see her. God knows what to provide for me, and today He showed Himself through the atmosphere and friends at church.

I'm starting to like Stillwater more.

#4

After my last breakup at the beginning of August, I swore to my good friend that I would take a 6 month break from dating.

Approximately 1 1/2 months down, 4 1/2 left to go. (not like I'm keeping track or anything...)

At first I wasn't so sure, even though it is my self-proclaimed "off season"... The only times I've dated people have been between about the months of Feb/March to June/July/August(ish). So even though according to my track record, I'm safe and off the hook, I was still worried that for some reason, I might find myself in a situation where I'm just really wanting to get out of the oath I took.

And so far, I've been okay! No passionate yearnings, or serious wishing that I wasn't being held accountable to stay single. I'm surviving! Even though every now and again I think it would be awful nice to have someone to go out with, I stop and remember... this so-called "boy break" is giving me the time to focus on what I should be focusing on, and learning more about God and myself and how I should be living, rather than which guy I should be trying to live for instead.

It's giving me an opportunity to make my own decisions and realize more of what I am made to do, realize what I want and need, and realize just who exactly I should turn to when times get tough and lonely... a guy isn't going to solve those problems.

And thanks to last week's RUF, I really got to focus on the fact that yes, GOD took me out of my last relationship not to bring me into sadness, but to call me to Himself! I mean, it does still make me sad, because I was very close with my last boyfriend and was able to tell him anything, but he wasn't the one, and God knew that before we even happened. And He brought me out and away from that to show Himself to me... my vision was clouded over, and God provided a way out and the concept of the "boy break" so that I can grow closer to Him.

Thank you God for your love shown to me in so many ways!

#3

I feel like I just might never learn how to achieve the perfect balance of love and impassivity when resolving an issue.

To show love but also stand up for myself, not be a doormat. Is that even what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to be more loving to the point that I am a doormat? Not necessarily manipulated but just incredibly passive.

I've never been passive. I've always been hot tempered, I always want justice in the end.

But justice as a Christian might require some passivity. I don't think I really like that, but I think it's the truth. I don't really know, actually, I'm just taking a stab at it.

This is making my brain hurt.

#2

I am a nerd. An esthetics nerd.

You probably don't even know what esthetics is, unless I've told you. Most people can't even say it right.

Esthetics is the branch of spa and salon services that includes skin care, waxing, body treatments, and makeup. It's what I do. Sort of. It's what I went to school to do. And someday, hopefully in the near future, I will venture out of working retail and settle into a good job as an esthetician (I'm still licensed now even though I don't work in a spa... and I'm still going to work on the waxing business thingy).

Anyhow. I went to Walmart tonight by myself around midnight, which probably wasn't the safest thing to do, but whatever. I went. And I found myself gravitating towards the skin care aisle. It used to be that I could wander through the makeup aisles for forever, and I guess I could still do that now, but what really fascinates me now is the skin care aisle.

I wish I could try just about every product, every cleanser (gel cleansers, clay cleansers, foaming cleansers, anti-aging cleansers, acne-fighting cleansers), every toner/splash/astringent, every moisturizer, serum, eye cream, mask, sunscreen, scrub, EVERYTHING.

But, alas, I cannot. Not only does my budget not allow it, but my skin doesn't either. Anything too oily or too drying will drive my skin CRAZY.

BUT.

I found a face wash with bromelain in it. A mild, 100% natural face wash, filled with good stuff. Do you know how exciting it is to find bromelain in a Walmart face wash? Um, it's pretty much Christmas. You probably don't even know what bromelain is. It's pineapple enzyme, and it's super super good for your skin.

And there's more. The same line has an oil-free moisturizer with sodium PCA and hyaluronic acid in it! That stuff's super super good for your skin too.

If you're reading this and not an esthetician, you probably just think I am a total dork. But seriously, it's exciting.

Not only is this stuff super amazing for your skin, but it's not expensive, AND it smells AMAZING.

All I have to say is, it better freaking work.

#1

So I'm new in town.

Again.

And everyone keeps asking me if I like it here. It's kind of difficult to explain it quickly, especially in a group of friends, because whenever people ask you questions like that, they subconsciously expect a certain answer (and I do this too). It's just like when you walk into a store, and someone asks you "Hi, how are you doing?" It doesn't matter if you've just won the lottery or if your grandpa just died, the expected response is "Fine, how are you?" People are so used to answering this way. It kind of bothers me, actually, that people absentmindedly respond in such a way that blankets their real emotions. In a lot of situations, though, I feel like I have to answer that way, or people will think I'm just being a drama queen desperate for attention or for people to feel sorry for me. I just think people should be more honest about how they actually are doing.

Anyway. Back to what I was saying. People ask me several times a week how I'm liking Stillwater. So instead of continuing to search desperately for words when asked that question only to come up with some awkward, halfway response, I'm just going to write this out.

I've lived here in Stillwater for 3 weeks now. I automatically had a job when I started here, but thanks to someone up top in the company, payroll at my store got cut, and those 28-35 hours a week I was promised got shot down to 15. Not good for the paycheck or for keeping me busy. Work is good when I'm there, I do enjoy it, but it's not enough right now. I have attempted to start a waxing business, but it's going reeeeally slowly. Like, slower than slow. The loan I was so generously given is not enough to cover my start up costs, and I don't want to borrow any more money, so I am having to wait until I have more of my own money to get that going in full swing. Which will take a while, considering I have to pay that loan back, AND I owe money to other people as well. Needless to say, I need a second job. I have been looking for one, but it's difficult to actually get one.

A second job would mean 2 things for me: more money (which is badly needed), and less time doing absolutely nothing. Yes, it might seem like I am just a bum hanging out at my house doing absolutely nothing all of the time, but it's a little hard to find stuff to do to fill all of my time when I don't go to class, don't have homework, don't have to go to work 90% of the week, don't have a gazillion close friends who have as much free time as I do, and don't have the money to spend all that extra time at Aspen or Walmart or traveling to Norman or Tulsa or SOMETHING.

The extra time sucks. It makes me feel incredibly lonely, having absolutely nothing to do, and most of the time spending that time by myself.

So, you might say, I should get out and meet more people. Thankfully, I do know some people here in town. I have met some incredibly friendly people, and I'm glad that I know them now. What's difficult for me is that I am not the kind of person who is satisfied with acquaintances. I want friends, real friends who I am so comfortable with that I can tell them all of my deepest secrets, and who know they can come to me if they need someone to talk to. I know I can't expect to make new best friends within such a short period of time, but still, it's hard. It's hard because I would so much rather hang out with my best friend in Fayetteville, or some of my best friends who are still in Tulsa, or my siblings in Tulsa and Norman, and I still really hate that I lost one of my best friends about a month ago. Maybe someone here will end up being one of those best friends, but until that happens, I feel lonely.

And even though I'm an incredibly outgoing person once I've gotten comfortable with people, it's the getting comfortable part that's so difficult. I've been going to a great Bible study for the past few weeks, but honestly, I don't enjoy going. Not because the teaching isn't good, but because I know absolutely nobody. The girls there all seem very nice, don't get me wrong. But they don't reach out. I think maybe two people the entire time I've gone there have actually out-of-the-blue introduced themselves to me and asked me my name. Everyone else knows each other. And when I'm in a situation like that, I'm about as cool as a new kid on the first day of middle school. I shell up. I can't be myself. And it really, really sucks.

For some reason, whenever I move to a new place, I always feel disconnected in some way to the new community around me. It happened in Norman, and it's happening again here. It's not as bad as Norman, but it's still not good. Stillwater, I'm sure will continue to grow on me. There are some things about the town that I really like, and some people who are warm and welcoming, and some fun I've had since moving here.

It's just that everything on top of everything on top of every single little thing has made it not quite as enjoyable as I hoped it would be. Hopefully, and yes, I am holding out hope, it will be different as time continues.