#11

Alright. Today's post is full of randomness. So get ready.

Topic #1: Goodwill Happenings, 11/23/10.
The first interesting thing that happened today at work was incredibly awkward. A man asked if we sold baby bed frames, and after I said that we didn't have any in, he said, "I really like your eyes. Can I take a picture of them?" I just sat there for a second not knowing how to respond. I kind of laughed and was like, "I guess..." but then he just left. Strange. I took it as a compliment though, I mean, even the opinion of a crazy customer counts, right?

The second interesting thing was an old woman who I rang up at the register. She rang up as $2.99.

Okay just kidding. She was checking out, and I noticed a colorful flower tattoo going all the way around her wrist. Now, this wasn't some old redneck-looking lady like a lot of our customers, and this wasn't an old hippie, or anything. She could be your typical, sweet, fluffy grandma who bakes you pies when you come to visit and knits potholders for you (at least that's what my grammy does). And she had a tattoo. Not one that she had hiding underneath her granny panties, but one fully on display. I told her I liked it, and it turns out she got it with a bunch of friends when she was kind of tipsy back when they were all hula dancers in Hawaii. She said she still really liked it, and it still looked fabulous.

Read between the lines there.

Topic #2: Christmas Music.
Usually I refuse to listen to any sort of Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. I broke down tonight and downloaded about a million and a half Christmas songs onto my iTunes after I found the new Glee Christmas music. Now I have the entire Glee Christmas album, as well as almost all of Hanson's "Snowed In" album (yes, the one that came out when I was 6 years old. I remember carrying around my battery powered boombox at my homeschool group and blasting "Merry Christmas Baby" to get attention while we all made snowglobes out of empty baby food jars, water, glitter, and glue.), Mariah Carey's new Christmas song (not as good as the first, but still quite excellent), old bubblegum Christmas songs from *NSYNC and Britney Spears, and of course the good old stuff, like Karen Carpenter and Bing Crosby. Speaking of Karen Carpenter, I still love her version of "Merry Christmas Darling" more than just about anything. Lea Michele covered it for the Glee Christmas album, and as much as I've liked Lea's songs in the past, I really just kind of winced when I heard her sing that song. Nobody holds a candle to Karen Carpenter when it comes to that song. Okay. Christmas song rant over.

Topic #3: Direction.
So, in case you just randomly have stumbled upon this blog and have no idea who I am, I've moved around a little more than the average person these days. A year ago, I lived in Norman. After 4 months in Norman, I moved to Tulsa and lived with my dad. Then I lived with my mom for a few weeks. Then I moved here to Stillwater. I'm not really planning on staying here once my lease is up next August. Anyhow, the point is that I have moved around a lot, and I'm not really tied down to any one place at the moment. Some would find this to be a blessing, and in some ways it is, but these days it's felt more like a curse. It's hard to find direction. Do I stay in Stillwater longer than this year? Do I get a spa job here? Do I move back to Tulsa next year? Do I move back sooner and just keep helping pay rent in Stillwater? Do I move out of state? Who will I live with next year? How will I pay for a house? This is seriously just a smidgen of the questions that have been running through my head. Nobody told me when I was in high school that growing up means that questions like this become a problem. I just figured then that everything would be black and white, yes or no, so clear cut. But it just isn't.

I.
Have.
No.
Idea.
What.
I.
Am.
Doing.
With.
My.
Life.

Yes, I have my esthetician's license, and I will use it to get an esthetics job. But those questions above are what's bothering me. What should be liberating, all of this decision making for myself, feels like such a curse. This is so weird. I've always been one to make my own decision, do things my own way. But right now I can't even figure out what my own way is.

The only comfort I have right now is something I overheard at church in Tulsa on Sunday. A woman at my church was discussing with some people we both know the subject of moving, and having a hard time adjusting to a new location and not feeling at home. She mentioned that she took comfort in knowing that no matter how comfortable she might have felt in her old home, or how lonely she felt in her new home, no home on this earth is permanent. The reason why we cannot feel totally at home in a place, whether it be a new home or a new city or a new state or a new school, is that we are not made to stay there forever. I wish she knew how much that little statement she made really helped me. I mean, it didn't make everything okay, but I keep thinking about it, and knowing that Heaven is where I am meant to be permanently, rather than somewhere on this planet, really helped identify why I never feel satisfied with the places I move to.

Okay. I need to go to bed. Karen Carpenter's voice is making me sleepy.

#10

I think it might be the weather, but I'm not really sure.
I'm feeling lonely, and scared. Pensive, also. I guess that's why I feel like writing right now. I usually write when I think too much.
I'm lonely because I have this weird thing where I'm starting to feel the sting of being single. There's always an up, and there's always a down. The up is being able to make my own decisions and not give a damn about whether or not someone else approves. The down is not having someone to grow with. The intimacy of knowing somebody so well, being able to share everything with them, knowing that I am loved despite my flaws (and there are so many of them).
I don't know why I get this way, when I get lonely. I know that I enjoy being single. I like to go out to a party and do things my own way, I like to dress up for myself and no one else, I like to be selfish like that. Being young is about being selfish as far as love goes, right? I don't know. Maybe it's not. But that's how I am and to be frank, that's how I like it. But then again, sometimes I don't like it. I don't know how liking it and not liking it can coincide with each other but whatever.
I'm scared because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. That whole "I'm-getting-close-to-the-time-where-I-am-supposed-to-(I'm supposed to, right?)-get-a-career-and-pay-a-shitload-of-bills-and-be-responsible-and-all-that-jazz" thing has really hit me lately. It's completely up to me whether or not I stay in Stillwater after my lease is up in this piece of shit rent house I live in. I make the decision, do I live in Stillwater another year? Do I move to a different town? A different state? I could move far far away. I could move back to Jenks. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea who I am going to hang out with, or meet, or anything like that. I could move to a totally random city and start completely fresh. Something about that sounds so appealing, even though doing that would mean going through the whole moving-to-a-new-town depression that I always seem to encounter whenever I move. Three times it has happened, who's to say it won't happen a fourth time? But it could be worth it, maybe. I don't know.
I need direction.

#9

Random thoughts in the middle of the night:

1. Being single is a love/hate sort of thing. I love not being told what to do, or how to do things, or having to make decisions based on trying to appease somebody else. I love being able to go to a party and not worry about who is going to say "you shouldn't do that" or "you should do that" or "don't dance with anyone else" or anything like that. I get to do things for me, and I love that, as selfish as that sounds. I'm just now starting to really embrace singleness, although it's still sort of a weird feeling for me to really get into it. I sometimes feel guilty when I'm excited about being single, and I'm not sure why. I know that totally contradicts what I said earlier but whatever. I can't explain it.

2. I can't wait until my lease is up so I can live somewhere without mold.

3. Although I am not and will not ever be a hipster, I've come to appreciate the hipster lifestyle a little bit more ever since moving to Stillwater. It's nice to see people embracing a different way of life than the conventional lifestyle, even if that makes them all exactly like each other (as much as they might hate me for saying that). I'm still going to laugh 98% of the time if someone is wearing glasses when they don't actually need them, and I'm still probably going to hate their music, but whatever. I find it amusing.

4. Being "musically educated" does not mean that you listen to a shitload of bands that nobody knows about. Nor should the opposite be equated with listening to all Top 40. The term "musically educated" is based merely on opinion. I've come across too many people who tell me I should be "musically educated," and it bugs the hell out of me (sorry to those people, you know I still love you). I like my music, and I will let you like yours as long as I don't get crap for mine. I listen to rap, rock, Broadway, Christian, pop, old music, new music, classical, opera, choral, you name it. My iTunes ranges from Lil Wayne to Angela Gheorghiu to The Avett Brothers to the Backstreet Boys to Buddy Holly. To be completely honest, if the term "musically educated" was even a set standard, wouldn't embracing more than one or two genres of underground music be more educated? Just saying.

5. I am so itchy to get my next tattoo. Ahhh I want it RIGHT NOW.

6. As much as I wanted to really get into the whole RUF scene on campus at OSU, I have come to the honest realization that it's not really my scene. I like some of the people, and I will continue to go, but when I moved to Stillwater, I wanted so desperately to be part of the RUF here, and I wanted all of my new best friends to be a part of it. It's part of why I felt so lonely at first, because I was looking for friends in a place where I don't 100% click with everyone. There are a few people at OSU RUF who I do really like, they are really nice, but other than those few, it's just not my thing. I realized the other day that my niche doesn't have to be RUF, and there's nothing wrong with that. I've found my friends in other places. I've found a peace in this realization, because now I don't feel like I am failing at making friends here.

7. No more thoughts to spit out at the moment. Goodnight to whoever reads this silly thing.

#8

Today wasn't a bad day or anything, but at one point I almost burst into tears.

I'm not usually a random crier, in fact, I almost never cry.

But I called my dad to ask about a money situation and I realized mid-conversation that I wouldn't have called otherwise.

I haven't even bothered to call my own dad these days, and I wouldn't have cared to had it not been for the fact that I was keeping up with him paying off my student loans.

It made me so sad to realize that I think more about my credit score than my own dad.

What. the. hell.