#12

As much as I am not a small town girl, and as much as I hate waking up early, there are a few perks to my job here in Stillwater.
One being that I constantly have access to INSANELY good deals, the other that I get to meet so many cool people.
Seriously, although the ratio of rednecks to seriously awesome customers is about 25:1 (or something like that), my regular customers really do make my job bearable. And they make me like the small town feeling that you can't avoid once you enter this town. I know their names, and they know mine. They tell me about their families, and their days, and where they have come from, and everything else you could possibly think of. I wish they could meet the other regular customers, because I think we would all be friends if they all shopped at the same time every single day.

Here's just a smidgen of the awesomeness that is the Stillwater Goodwill regular customers:
1. Marian -- We first got to be friends when we found out that his 3 daughters had names eerily similar to my sisters' and my names. Ever since then, I've pretty much wanted him to be my real life grandpa. He's told me war stories, educated me about buying stocks, and just swapped anecdotes with me. Today, he waited in line behind a customer just to chat for a second before he left. Not to buy anything, but just to see how I was doing, and what I thought about life at the moment. Definitely a favorite.
2. Marcia -- What to say about this lady. She is so fun! Sometimes she comes in twice a day. I've never seen her in a bad mood, and she always has something funny to say while she's shopping. I love how she makes fun of things for being stuff that old people would like, when she's not exactly the youngest herself. I want to be like this lady when I get older... especially after seeing some of our other older customers who are probably the sourest people I've ever seen.
3. Carolyn -- Not like any of them would be reading this, but to all of the OSU Chi-Os, get to know your cleaning lady. This lady comes in almost every day, buying stuff for her kids or grandkids. She's quirky and, just like Marcia, is never in a bad mood. It's always fun to swap stories with her while she shops.

So yah, those are just a few of our regular customers. We also have Mack, who is pretty much Stillwater's own Morgan Freeman, and Susan, who will be moving back to Louisiana after the end of the year, and Maunette, who is always a super sweetheart, and Brenda, who I just met, because she just moved here from Tennessee. We have other regulars whose names I don't know yet, but that's not to say that someday I won't learn them. With time I hope to get to know more of them!

Oh, and to the lady who NEVER EVER smiles, SOMEDAY I swear I will make you smile!

#11

Alright. Today's post is full of randomness. So get ready.

Topic #1: Goodwill Happenings, 11/23/10.
The first interesting thing that happened today at work was incredibly awkward. A man asked if we sold baby bed frames, and after I said that we didn't have any in, he said, "I really like your eyes. Can I take a picture of them?" I just sat there for a second not knowing how to respond. I kind of laughed and was like, "I guess..." but then he just left. Strange. I took it as a compliment though, I mean, even the opinion of a crazy customer counts, right?

The second interesting thing was an old woman who I rang up at the register. She rang up as $2.99.

Okay just kidding. She was checking out, and I noticed a colorful flower tattoo going all the way around her wrist. Now, this wasn't some old redneck-looking lady like a lot of our customers, and this wasn't an old hippie, or anything. She could be your typical, sweet, fluffy grandma who bakes you pies when you come to visit and knits potholders for you (at least that's what my grammy does). And she had a tattoo. Not one that she had hiding underneath her granny panties, but one fully on display. I told her I liked it, and it turns out she got it with a bunch of friends when she was kind of tipsy back when they were all hula dancers in Hawaii. She said she still really liked it, and it still looked fabulous.

Read between the lines there.

Topic #2: Christmas Music.
Usually I refuse to listen to any sort of Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. I broke down tonight and downloaded about a million and a half Christmas songs onto my iTunes after I found the new Glee Christmas music. Now I have the entire Glee Christmas album, as well as almost all of Hanson's "Snowed In" album (yes, the one that came out when I was 6 years old. I remember carrying around my battery powered boombox at my homeschool group and blasting "Merry Christmas Baby" to get attention while we all made snowglobes out of empty baby food jars, water, glitter, and glue.), Mariah Carey's new Christmas song (not as good as the first, but still quite excellent), old bubblegum Christmas songs from *NSYNC and Britney Spears, and of course the good old stuff, like Karen Carpenter and Bing Crosby. Speaking of Karen Carpenter, I still love her version of "Merry Christmas Darling" more than just about anything. Lea Michele covered it for the Glee Christmas album, and as much as I've liked Lea's songs in the past, I really just kind of winced when I heard her sing that song. Nobody holds a candle to Karen Carpenter when it comes to that song. Okay. Christmas song rant over.

Topic #3: Direction.
So, in case you just randomly have stumbled upon this blog and have no idea who I am, I've moved around a little more than the average person these days. A year ago, I lived in Norman. After 4 months in Norman, I moved to Tulsa and lived with my dad. Then I lived with my mom for a few weeks. Then I moved here to Stillwater. I'm not really planning on staying here once my lease is up next August. Anyhow, the point is that I have moved around a lot, and I'm not really tied down to any one place at the moment. Some would find this to be a blessing, and in some ways it is, but these days it's felt more like a curse. It's hard to find direction. Do I stay in Stillwater longer than this year? Do I get a spa job here? Do I move back to Tulsa next year? Do I move back sooner and just keep helping pay rent in Stillwater? Do I move out of state? Who will I live with next year? How will I pay for a house? This is seriously just a smidgen of the questions that have been running through my head. Nobody told me when I was in high school that growing up means that questions like this become a problem. I just figured then that everything would be black and white, yes or no, so clear cut. But it just isn't.

I.
Have.
No.
Idea.
What.
I.
Am.
Doing.
With.
My.
Life.

Yes, I have my esthetician's license, and I will use it to get an esthetics job. But those questions above are what's bothering me. What should be liberating, all of this decision making for myself, feels like such a curse. This is so weird. I've always been one to make my own decision, do things my own way. But right now I can't even figure out what my own way is.

The only comfort I have right now is something I overheard at church in Tulsa on Sunday. A woman at my church was discussing with some people we both know the subject of moving, and having a hard time adjusting to a new location and not feeling at home. She mentioned that she took comfort in knowing that no matter how comfortable she might have felt in her old home, or how lonely she felt in her new home, no home on this earth is permanent. The reason why we cannot feel totally at home in a place, whether it be a new home or a new city or a new state or a new school, is that we are not made to stay there forever. I wish she knew how much that little statement she made really helped me. I mean, it didn't make everything okay, but I keep thinking about it, and knowing that Heaven is where I am meant to be permanently, rather than somewhere on this planet, really helped identify why I never feel satisfied with the places I move to.

Okay. I need to go to bed. Karen Carpenter's voice is making me sleepy.

#10

I think it might be the weather, but I'm not really sure.
I'm feeling lonely, and scared. Pensive, also. I guess that's why I feel like writing right now. I usually write when I think too much.
I'm lonely because I have this weird thing where I'm starting to feel the sting of being single. There's always an up, and there's always a down. The up is being able to make my own decisions and not give a damn about whether or not someone else approves. The down is not having someone to grow with. The intimacy of knowing somebody so well, being able to share everything with them, knowing that I am loved despite my flaws (and there are so many of them).
I don't know why I get this way, when I get lonely. I know that I enjoy being single. I like to go out to a party and do things my own way, I like to dress up for myself and no one else, I like to be selfish like that. Being young is about being selfish as far as love goes, right? I don't know. Maybe it's not. But that's how I am and to be frank, that's how I like it. But then again, sometimes I don't like it. I don't know how liking it and not liking it can coincide with each other but whatever.
I'm scared because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. That whole "I'm-getting-close-to-the-time-where-I-am-supposed-to-(I'm supposed to, right?)-get-a-career-and-pay-a-shitload-of-bills-and-be-responsible-and-all-that-jazz" thing has really hit me lately. It's completely up to me whether or not I stay in Stillwater after my lease is up in this piece of shit rent house I live in. I make the decision, do I live in Stillwater another year? Do I move to a different town? A different state? I could move far far away. I could move back to Jenks. I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea who I am going to hang out with, or meet, or anything like that. I could move to a totally random city and start completely fresh. Something about that sounds so appealing, even though doing that would mean going through the whole moving-to-a-new-town depression that I always seem to encounter whenever I move. Three times it has happened, who's to say it won't happen a fourth time? But it could be worth it, maybe. I don't know.
I need direction.

#9

Random thoughts in the middle of the night:

1. Being single is a love/hate sort of thing. I love not being told what to do, or how to do things, or having to make decisions based on trying to appease somebody else. I love being able to go to a party and not worry about who is going to say "you shouldn't do that" or "you should do that" or "don't dance with anyone else" or anything like that. I get to do things for me, and I love that, as selfish as that sounds. I'm just now starting to really embrace singleness, although it's still sort of a weird feeling for me to really get into it. I sometimes feel guilty when I'm excited about being single, and I'm not sure why. I know that totally contradicts what I said earlier but whatever. I can't explain it.

2. I can't wait until my lease is up so I can live somewhere without mold.

3. Although I am not and will not ever be a hipster, I've come to appreciate the hipster lifestyle a little bit more ever since moving to Stillwater. It's nice to see people embracing a different way of life than the conventional lifestyle, even if that makes them all exactly like each other (as much as they might hate me for saying that). I'm still going to laugh 98% of the time if someone is wearing glasses when they don't actually need them, and I'm still probably going to hate their music, but whatever. I find it amusing.

4. Being "musically educated" does not mean that you listen to a shitload of bands that nobody knows about. Nor should the opposite be equated with listening to all Top 40. The term "musically educated" is based merely on opinion. I've come across too many people who tell me I should be "musically educated," and it bugs the hell out of me (sorry to those people, you know I still love you). I like my music, and I will let you like yours as long as I don't get crap for mine. I listen to rap, rock, Broadway, Christian, pop, old music, new music, classical, opera, choral, you name it. My iTunes ranges from Lil Wayne to Angela Gheorghiu to The Avett Brothers to the Backstreet Boys to Buddy Holly. To be completely honest, if the term "musically educated" was even a set standard, wouldn't embracing more than one or two genres of underground music be more educated? Just saying.

5. I am so itchy to get my next tattoo. Ahhh I want it RIGHT NOW.

6. As much as I wanted to really get into the whole RUF scene on campus at OSU, I have come to the honest realization that it's not really my scene. I like some of the people, and I will continue to go, but when I moved to Stillwater, I wanted so desperately to be part of the RUF here, and I wanted all of my new best friends to be a part of it. It's part of why I felt so lonely at first, because I was looking for friends in a place where I don't 100% click with everyone. There are a few people at OSU RUF who I do really like, they are really nice, but other than those few, it's just not my thing. I realized the other day that my niche doesn't have to be RUF, and there's nothing wrong with that. I've found my friends in other places. I've found a peace in this realization, because now I don't feel like I am failing at making friends here.

7. No more thoughts to spit out at the moment. Goodnight to whoever reads this silly thing.

#8

Today wasn't a bad day or anything, but at one point I almost burst into tears.

I'm not usually a random crier, in fact, I almost never cry.

But I called my dad to ask about a money situation and I realized mid-conversation that I wouldn't have called otherwise.

I haven't even bothered to call my own dad these days, and I wouldn't have cared to had it not been for the fact that I was keeping up with him paying off my student loans.

It made me so sad to realize that I think more about my credit score than my own dad.

What. the. hell.

#7

I wish I knew what to write right now...

I have one of those feelings where I know I should be writing something profound, but I can't think of what it is. There's something nagging in the back of my mind. Hmmm... I'll just write what I'm thinking and maybe something interesting will get written in the process.

Anyhow. For a quick update on my life, I shall inform you all (whoever you all may be) that I am now working full-time at the Goodwill here in Stillwater. This means that I get to open most mornings, which also means that I go to bed on time these days. Midnight feels incredibly late to me now. It's kind of like how 35 mph feels fast to me now (last weekend when I came home to Tulsa, it honestly felt kind of scary at first, going 65+ on the highway). Working at Goodwill also means that I get to meet 95% of the 60 yr+ population of Stillwater. Or something like that. LOTS of old people come into our store. Gotta love it. Except when they go wayyyy slowly, or when they can't ever hear what you are saying.

Here's a little snippet of awesomeness to brighten your day:
www.dirpy.com
My friend told me about that website, and I feel pretty confident in saying that it will make your life (if you don't feel too bad about stealing music). Pretty much, you find a song you like on YouTube, copy and paste the link into the page, and it turns it into an mp3 file that you can add to your iTunes library. Recently I've been using it to add old boy band songs to my iTunes, and also one of Russell Brand's standup routines. And yes, I still listen to old boy band music. Who doesn't love that stuff? Oh, yes, a lot of people. But I really don't care.

I am 2 months into my 6 month boy break. 33% done with my vow of singlehood (singledom? singleness? singlehood? being single.). After that, I'll most likely just be single without the oath haha... From time to time I find myself really missing my last boyfriend... Not the idea of being with someone, or with him, or anything, just missing him as someone I can talk to. Every now and again I will see something that reminds me of him and it makes me sad that we don't talk anymore. I wish the end of relationships didn't have to mean total separation, but for some reason I almost always get that end of the deal.

Blahblahblahblahblahblah. I can't think of anything more to write.

I can't decide if I should get something to eat or not.

I should go back to bed. (I went to bed at 7 and woke up about an hour ago. Yah, I'm cool.)

I've already got ideas for my next tattoo. I'm thinking of a flapper design for my inner left forearm. If I ever tone up my arms, I want an art nouveau design on my shoulder. Also want a tree design on my side. This whole getting drawn on thing is pretty awesome. Just saying. You only live once.

Okay. Can't think of anything else. Goodnight.

#6

I remember a long time ago when an old friend of mine said that she always noticed that God continually blessed her in every single situation when she thought she was going to be stuck in a hard place. Obviously God is continually pouring out blessings on us, but not always in ways that we can see or understand (or both). Take, for instance, me, senior year of high school, running late on a project or a paper. I do nothing to deserve getting a deadline extended, but it happens. Always when I need it (I'm not kidding... it was always when I procrastinated/slacked off/didn't study that deadlines got extended or tests got canceled or grades got rounded up on an amazing curve).

Anyway, I say this to say that God has worked in ways like that a LOT in my life, and although I don't recognize His goodness every time that He does something like that for me, I do see it a lot. And these past few days have included a few instances where I have been given a way out of hard and stressful situations, not by working my way out of them, but by the grace of God alone.

Example #1:
I am bad with money. I'm working on saving to pay back the debts I owe (never fun), but for the past month I either a) got my paycheck LOST in the mail or b) got it late. Two days ago, I was missing half a month's worth of pay. Just lovely. I was silently freaking out, because rent is due soon, and my account was headed towards zero. But get this! My late paycheck came, and my paycheck from last week's pay got sent EARLY! Coincidence? I think not. Now I have enough to pay rent and save more to pay back my debts. I KNOW this was a blessing from God.

Example #2:
For the past week or so, I've really been trying to break out of my shell more and talk to people. I have prayed, and I know that others have prayed that I am able to reach out more than stand in the corner by myself. I've really been feeling a difference just within a week! It's so exciting! I don't just wait for people to come up to me now...something has changed that makes it feel okay to approach others rather than stand awkwardly by myself. I know I didn't do this myself. This is God's work.

Also, one last thing. I've been finding it a lot easier to explain my faith better to people who need to hear. And it's exciting, it really is. I'm not embarrassed right now to tell others about why I am different and how I want to be different.

I am so hoping that this passion for Christ stays with me, and I don't lose my focus. I want others to see how I am not the same. I also need to be able to see God's grace and blessings more in times other than when He gives me what I want. Pray for others, yourself, and me that we all can see God's blessings ALL the time.